Thursday, May 14, 2009

I Don't Want to be Without Him. Ever.

Trae and I spent our last full day together yesterday. It was glorious and at the same time, very very sad. I'm so ready to be out of California, but I don't want to leave without him. We didn't do anything yesterday except watch movies. It was a very typical of a day off for him, but also one of our favorite things to do together. We haven't talked about me leaving yet. No comments, no missing you already talks, no mention of it whatsoever. That is how we handle it I guess. The longer we wait to say anything about it, the longer it will be till it happens. I am very emotional today. I know we will be fine but we still don't like it and it is difficult to walk away. You would think that every time we have to go through this it would get easier. Well it does and it doesn't. The more times we experience it, the better we become at dealing with it. We know how to make it through each day now, we don't have to figure out how to handle being alone, we already know how to. I simply don't think about how long it has been since I have seen him or how long it will be until I see him again, I just know that I will talk to him that day and we will text non-stop. One day at a time is all I can handle thinking about. My mom does a good job at trying to keep me busy also. Trae plays a lot of golf with some friends out here and he and Bella go to the river a lot. There are also a few families we have befriended that have Trae over for dinner a few nights a week when I am gone. I know that helps him a lot. But on the other hand, we like it less and less and can only handle shorter spans of time apart than the previous trip. The very first time we had to be apart was during my internship my senior year of college. I was in Mississippi for 3 1/2 months and only saw him once. The longest amount of time we have ever been without seeing each other was about 12 weeks. The last time we were apart, and we finally got back to each other, Trae said he would never do it again. Yet, here we are getting ready to do it all over again, not knowing when we will even be able to be together on a daily basis. You do what you have to do, but in our case, we hate it. He says he doesn't do good without me. And I am just a mess without him. It seems to be getting more and more difficult.
I will begin packing all my things today. When I leave, there will be no sign I was even here. Since I will not be coming back out here, I need to take everything back with me. I know that the next 7 weeks will be a lot easier on me than on him. While I will be staying with my family when I get back to Mississippi, he will only have The Bella to come home to. I know I will at least be tolerable when I get to MS, but knowing that he is here by himself makes it harder also. He has to do it all by himself and I hate that. It is not fair to him to have to face this by himself every time. I don't know if I would be any good at all if I lived by myself while we are apart. I have always lived with my family so I don't know how it feels to face it everyday all alone. I know that being with somebody is the most important factor in keeping me focused and pushing forward. I pray that God will be ever present while I am gone.

1 comment:

Stephanie Schell said...

Wow Mon. That makes me sad. I had a really hard time when I was gone to Spain for two weeks without my hub. I am sorry it's so hard. I can hear or I guess read the ache in reading this and totally empathize. I think I would totally feel the same way you do only not handle it quite as well. So you're having to be apart b/c he's a traveling nurse? And b/c you're starting school? I'll be praying for y'all, really, not just saying that, that God will fill you both up and comfort you in this time apart.